Act I
Scene I
Enter Duke, Egeon, Jailer, Officers and other Attendants.
EGEONProceed, Solinus, to procure my fall,
And by the doom of death end woes and all.
DUKEMerchant of Syracusa, plead no more.
I am not partial to infringe our laws.
The enmity and discord which of late
Sprung from the rancorous outrage of your Duke
To merchants, our well-dealing countrymen,
Who, wanting guilders to redeem their lives,
Have seal’d his rigorous statutes with their bloods,
Excludes all pity from our threat’ning looks.
For since the mortal and intestine jars
’Twixt thy seditious countrymen and us,
It hath in solemn synods been decreed,
Both by the Syracusians and ourselves,
To admit no traffic to our adverse towns;
Nay more, if any born at Ephesus
Be seen at Syracusian marts and fairs;
Again, if any Syracusian born
Come to the bay of Ephesus, he dies,
His goods confiscate to the Duke’s dispose,
Unless a thousand marks be levied
To quit the penalty and to ransom him.
Thy substance, valued at the highest rate,
Cannot amount unto a hundred marks;
Therefore by law thou art condemn’d to die.
EGEONYet this my comfort; when your words are done,
My woes end likewise with the evening sun.
DUKEWell, Syracusian, say in brief the cause
Why thou departedst from thy native home,
And for what cause thou cam’st to Ephesus.
EGEONA heavier task could not have been impos’d
Than I to speak my griefs unspeakable;
Yet, that the world may witness that my end
Was wrought by nature, not by vile offence,
I’ll utter what my sorrow gives me leave.
In Syracusa was I born, and wed
Unto a woman happy but for me,
And by me, had not our hap been bad.
With her I liv’d in joy; our wealth increas’d
By prosperous voyages I often made
To Epidamnum, till my factor’s death,
And the great care of goods at random left,
Drew me from kind embracements of my spouse;
From whom my absence was not six months old
Before herself (almost at fainting under
The pleasing punishment that women bear)
Had made provision for her following me,
And soon and safe arrived where I was.
There had she not been long but she became
A joyful mother of two goodly sons,
And, which was strange, the one so like the other
As could not be distinguish’d but by names.
That very hour, and in the self-same inn,
A mean woman was delivered
Of such a burden, male twins, both alike.
Those, for their parents were exceeding poor,
I bought, and brought up to attend my sons.
My wife, not meanly proud of two such boys,
Made daily motions for our home return.
Unwilling I agreed; alas, too soon
We came aboard.
A league from Epidamnum had we sail’d
Before the always-wind-obeying deep
Gave any tragic instance of our harm;
But longer did we not retain much hope;
For what obscured light the heavens did grant
Did but convey unto our fearful minds
A doubtful warrant of immediate death,
Which though myself would gladly have embrac’d,
Yet the incessant weepings of my wife,
Weeping before for what she saw must come,
And piteous plainings of the pretty babes,
That mourn’d for fashion, ignorant what to fear,
Forc’d me to seek delays for them and me.
And this it was (for other means was none).
The sailors sought for safety by our boat,
And left the ship, then sinking-ripe, to us.
My wife, more careful for the latter-born,
Had fast’ned him unto a small spare mast,
Such as sea-faring men provide for storms.
To him one of the other twins was bound,
Whilst I had been like heedful of the other.
The children thus dispos’d, my wife and I,
Fixing our eyes on whom our care was fix’d,
Fast’ned ourselves at either end the mast,
And, floating straight, obedient to the stream,
Was carried towards Corinth, as we thought.
At length the sun, gazing upon the earth,
Dispers’d those vapours that offended us,
And by the benefit of his wished light
The seas wax’d calm, and we discovered
Two ships from far, making amain to us,
Of Corinth that, of Epidaurus this.
But ere they came—O, let me say no more!
Gather the sequel by that went before.
DUKENay, forward, old man, do not break off so,
For we may pity, though not pardon thee.
EGEONO, had the gods done so, I had not now
Worthily term’d them merciless to us.
For, ere the ships could meet by twice five leagues,
We were encountered by a mighty rock,
Which being violently borne upon,
Our helpful ship was splitted in the midst;
So that, in this unjust divorce of us,
Fortune had left to both of us alike
What to delight in, what to sorrow for.
Her part, poor soul, seeming as burdened
With lesser weight, but not with lesser woe,
Was carried with more speed before the wind,
And in our sight they three were taken up
By fishermen of Corinth, as we thought.
At length another ship had seiz’d on us;
And, knowing whom it was their hap to save,
Gave healthful welcome to their ship-wrack’d guests,
And would have reft the fishers of their prey,
Had not their bark been very slow of sail;
And therefore homeward did they bend their course.
Thus have you heard me sever’d from my bliss,
That by misfortunes was my life prolong’d
To tell sad stories of my own mishaps.
DUKEAnd for the sake of them thou sorrowest for,
Do me the favour to dilate at full
What have befall’n of them and thee till now.
EGEONMy youngest boy, and yet my eldest care,
At eighteen years became inquisitive
After his brother, and importun’d me
That his attendant, so his case was like,
Reft of his brother, but retain’d his name,
Might bear him company in the quest of him;
Whom whilst I laboured of a love to see,
I hazarded the loss of whom I lov’d.
Five summers have I spent in farthest Greece,
Roaming clean through the bounds of Asia,
And, coasting homeward, came to Ephesus,
Hopeless to find, yet loath to leave unsought
Or that or any place that harbours men.
But here must end the story of my life;
And happy were I in my timely death,
Could all my travels warrant me they live.
DUKEHapless Egeon, whom the fates have mark’d
To bear the extremity of dire mishap;
Now, trust me, were it not against our laws,
Against my crown, my oath, my dignity,
Which princes, would they, may not disannul,
My soul should sue as advocate for thee.
But though thou art adjudged to the death,
And passed sentence may not be recall’d
But to our honour’s great disparagement,
Yet will I favour thee in what I can.
Therefore, merchant, I’ll limit thee this day
To seek thy health by beneficial help.
Try all the friends thou hast in Ephesus;
Beg thou, or borrow, to make up the sum,
And live; if no, then thou art doom’d to die.
Jailer, take him to thy custody.
JAILERI will, my lord.
EGEONHopeless and helpless doth Egeon wend,
But to procrastinate his lifeless end.
Exeunt.
Scene II
Enter Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse and a Merchant.
MERCHANTTherefore give out you are of Epidamnum,
Lest that your goods too soon be confiscate.
This very day a Syracusian merchant
Is apprehended for arrival here,
And, not being able to buy out his life,
According to the statute of the town
Dies ere the weary sun set in the west.
There is your money that I had to keep.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEGo bear it to the Centaur, where we host,
And stay there, Dromio, till I come to thee.
Within this hour it will be dinnertime;
Till that, I’ll view the manners of the town,
Peruse the traders, gaze upon the buildings,
And then return and sleep within mine inn,
For with long travel I am stiff and weary.
Get thee away.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMany a man would take you at your word,
And go indeed, having so good a mean.
Exit Dromio.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEA trusty villain, sir, that very oft,
When I am dull with care and melancholy,
Lightens my humour with his merry jests.
What, will you walk with me about the town,
And then go to my inn and dine with me?
MERCHANTI am invited, sir, to certain merchants,
Of whom I hope to make much benefit.
I crave your pardon. Soon, at five o’clock,
Please you, I’ll meet with you upon the mart,
And afterward consort you till bedtime.
My present business calls me from you now.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEFarewell till then: I will go lose myself,
And wander up and down to view the city.
MERCHANTSir, I commend you to your own content.
Exit Merchant.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEHe that commends me to mine own content
Commends me to the thing I cannot get.
I to the world am like a drop of water
That in the ocean seeks another drop,
Who, failing there to find his fellow forth,
Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself.
So I, to find a mother and a brother,
In quest of them, unhappy, lose myself.
Enter Dromio of Ephesus.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSReturn’d so soon? rather approach’d too late.
The capon burns, the pig falls from the spit;
The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell;
My mistress made it one upon my cheek.
She is so hot because the meat is cold;
The meat is cold because you come not home;
You come not home because you have no stomach;
You have no stomach, having broke your fast;
But we that know what ’tis to fast and pray,
Are penitent for your default today.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEStop in your wind, sir, tell me this, I pray:
Where have you left the money that I gave you?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSO, sixpence that I had o’ Wednesday last
To pay the saddler for my mistress’ crupper:
The saddler had it, sir, I kept it not.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI am not in a sportive humour now.
Tell me, and dally not, where is the money?
We being strangers here, how dar’st thou trust
So great a charge from thine own custody?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI pray you jest, sir, as you sit at dinner:
I from my mistress come to you in post;
If I return, I shall be post indeed,
For she will score your fault upon my pate.
Methinks your maw, like mine, should be your clock,
And strike you home without a messenger.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSECome, Dromio, come, these jests are out of season,
Reserve them till a merrier hour than this.
Where is the gold I gave in charge to thee?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSTo me, sir? why, you gave no gold to me!
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSECome on, sir knave, have done your foolishness,
And tell me how thou hast dispos’d thy charge.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMy charge was but to fetch you from the mart
Home to your house, the Phoenix, sir, to dinner.
My mistress and her sister stay for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENow, as I am a Christian, answer me
In what safe place you have bestow’d my money,
Or I shall break that merry sconce of yours
That stands on tricks when I am undispos’d;
Where is the thousand marks thou hadst of me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI have some marks of yours upon my pate,
Some of my mistress’ marks upon my shoulders,
But not a thousand marks between you both.
If I should pay your worship those again,
Perchance you will not bear them patiently.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThy mistress’ marks? what mistress, slave, hast thou?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSYour worship’s wife, my mistress at the Phoenix;
She that doth fast till you come home to dinner,
And prays that you will hie you home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face,
Being forbid? There, take you that, sir knave.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSWhat mean you, sir? for God’s sake hold your hands.
Nay, an you will not, sir, I’ll take my heels.
Exit Dromio.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEUpon my life, by some device or other
The villain is o’er-raught of all my money.
They say this town is full of cozenage,
As nimble jugglers that deceive the eye,
Dark-working sorcerers that change the mind,
Soul-killing witches that deform the body,
Disguised cheaters, prating mountebanks,
And many such-like liberties of sin:
If it prove so, I will be gone the sooner.
I’ll to the Centaur to go seek this slave.
I greatly fear my money is not safe.
Exit.
Act II
Scene I
Enter Adriana, wife to Antipholus (of Ephesus) with Luciana her
ADRIANANeither my husband nor the slave return’d
That in such haste I sent to seek his master?
Sure, Luciana, it is two o’clock.
LUCIANAPerhaps some merchant hath invited him,
And from the mart he’s somewhere gone to dinner.
Good sister, let us dine, and never fret;
A man is master of his liberty;
Time is their master, and when they see time,
They’ll go or come. If so, be patient, sister.
ADRIANAWhy should their liberty than ours be more?
LUCIANABecause their business still lies out o’ door.
ADRIANALook when I serve him so, he takes it ill.
LUCIANAO, know he is the bridle of your will.
ADRIANAThere’s none but asses will be bridled so.
LUCIANAWhy, headstrong liberty is lash’d with woe.
There’s nothing situate under heaven’s eye
But hath his bound in earth, in sea, in sky.
The beasts, the fishes, and the winged fowls
Are their males’ subjects, and at their controls.
Man, more divine, the masters of all these,
Lord of the wide world and wild wat’ry seas,
Indued with intellectual sense and souls,
Of more pre-eminence than fish and fowls,
Are masters to their females, and their lords:
Then let your will attend on their accords.
ADRIANAThis servitude makes you to keep unwed.
LUCIANANot this, but troubles of the marriage-bed.
ADRIANABut, were you wedded, you would bear some sway.
LUCIANAEre I learn love, I’ll practise to obey.
ADRIANAHow if your husband start some other where?
LUCIANATill he come home again, I would forbear.
ADRIANAPatience unmov’d! No marvel though she pause;
They can be meek that have no other cause.
A wretched soul bruis’d with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burd’ned with like weight of pain,
As much, or more, we should ourselves complain:
So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,
With urging helpless patience would relieve me:
But if thou live to see like right bereft,
This fool-begg’d patience in thee will be left.
LUCIANAWell, I will marry one day, but to try.
Here comes your man, now is your husband nigh.
Enter Dromio of Ephesus.
ADRIANASay, is your tardy master now at hand?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNay, he’s at two hands with me, and that my two ears can witness.
ADRIANASay, didst thou speak with him? know’st thou his mind?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSAy, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear.
Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it.
LUCIANASpake he so doubtfully thou couldst not feel his meaning?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNay, he struck so plainly I could too well feel his blows; and withal
so doubtfully that I could scarce understand them.
ADRIANABut say, I prithee, is he coming home?
It seems he hath great care to please his wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSWhy, mistress, sure my master is horn-mad.
ADRIANAHorn-mad, thou villain?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI mean not cuckold-mad,
But sure he’s stark mad.
When I desir’d him to come home to dinner,
He ask’d me for a thousand marks in gold.
“’Tis dinner time,” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he.
“Your meat doth burn” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he.
“Will you come home?” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he.
“Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?”
“The pig” quoth I “is burn’d”. “My gold,” quoth he.
“My mistress, sir,” quoth I. “Hang up thy mistress;
I know not thy mistress; out on thy mistress!”
LUCIANAQuoth who?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSQuoth my master.
“I know,” quoth he, “no house, no wife, no mistress.”
So that my errand, due unto my tongue,
I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders;
For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.
ADRIANAGo back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSGo back again, and be new beaten home?
For God’s sake, send some other messenger.
ADRIANABack slave, or I will break thy pate across.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSAnd he will bless that cross with other beating.
Between you I shall have a holy head.
ADRIANAHence, prating peasant. Fetch thy master home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSAm I so round with you, as you with me,
That like a football you do spurn me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither.
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.
Exit.
LUCIANAFie, how impatience loureth in your face.
ADRIANAHis company must do his minions grace,
Whilst I at home starve for a merry look.
Hath homely age th’ alluring beauty took
From my poor cheek? then he hath wasted it.
Are my discourses dull? barren my wit?
If voluble and sharp discourse be marr’d,
Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard.
Do their gay vestments his affections bait?
That’s not my fault; he’s master of my state.
What ruins are in me that can be found
By him not ruin’d? Then is he the ground
Of my defeatures. My decayed fair
A sunny look of his would soon repair;
But, too unruly deer, he breaks the pale
And feeds from home; poor I am but his stale.
LUCIANASelf-harming jealousy! fie, beat it hence.
ADRIANAUnfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense.
I know his eye doth homage otherwhere,
Or else what lets it but he would be here?
Sister, you know he promis’d me a chain;
Would that alone, a love he would detain,
So he would keep fair quarter with his bed.
I see the jewel best enamelled
Will lose his beauty; yet the gold bides still
That others touch, yet often touching will
Wear gold; and no man that hath a name
By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.
Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,
I’ll weep what’s left away, and weeping die.
LUCIANAHow many fond fools serve mad jealousy!
Exeunt.
Scene II
Enter Antipholus of Syracuse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThe gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful slave
Is wander’d forth in care to seek me out.
By computation and mine host’s report.
I could not speak with Dromio since at first
I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEWhat answer, sir? when spake I such a word?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEEven now, even here, not half an hour since.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI did not see you since you sent me hence,
Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEVillain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt,
And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner,
For which I hope thou felt’st I was displeas’d.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI am glad to see you in this merry vein.
What means this jest, I pray you, master, tell me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEHold, sir, for God’s sake, now your jest is earnest.
Upon what bargain do you give it me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBecause that I familiarly sometimes
Do use you for my fool, and chat with you,
Your sauciness will jest upon my love,
And make a common of my serious hours.
When the sun shines let foolish gnats make sport,
But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.
If you will jest with me, know my aspect,
And fashion your demeanour to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSESconce, call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it
a head. And you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head,
and ensconce it too, or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But I
pray, sir, why am I beaten?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEDost thou not know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENothing, sir, but that I am beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEShall I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEAy, sir, and wherefore; for they say, every why hath a wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, first, for flouting me; and then wherefore,
For urging it the second time to me.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEWas there ever any man thus beaten out of season,
When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme nor reason?
Well, sir, I thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThank me, sir, for what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something.
But say, sir, is it dinner-time?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo, sir; I think the meat wants that I have.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEIn good time, sir, what’s that?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEBasting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWell, sir, then ’twill be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEIf it be, sir, I pray you eat none of it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYour reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSELest it make you choleric, and purchase me another dry basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWell, sir, learn to jest in good time.
There’s a time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI durst have denied that before you were so choleric.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBy what rule, sir?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of Father Time
himself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSELet’s hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEThere’s no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by
nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEMay he not do it by fine and recovery?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEYes, to pay a fine for a periwig, and recover the lost hair of another
man.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an
excrement?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEBecause it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts, and what he hath
scanted men in hair he hath given them in wit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENot a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEThe plainer dealer, the sooner lost. Yet he loseth it in a kind of
jollity.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEFor what reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEFor two, and sound ones too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENay, not sound, I pray you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSESure ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENay, not sure, in a thing falsing.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSECertain ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEName them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEThe one, to save the money that he spends in tiring; the other, that at
dinner they should not drop in his porridge.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYou would all this time have proved there is no time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, and did, sir; namely, e’en no time to recover hair lost by
nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBut your reason was not substantial why there is no time to recover.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEThus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and therefore, to the world’s end
will have bald followers.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI knew ’twould be a bald conclusion.
But soft! who wafts us yonder?
Enter Adriana and Luciana.
ADRIANAAy, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown,
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects.
I am not Adriana, nor thy wife.
The time was once when thou unurg’d wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-savour’d in thy taste,
Unless I spake, or look’d, or touch’d, or carv’d to thee.
How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,
That thou art then estranged from thyself?
Thyself I call it, being strange to me,
That, undividable, incorporate,
Am better than thy dear self’s better part.
Ah, do not tear away thyself from me;
For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulf,
And take unmingled thence that drop again
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thyself, and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
Should’st thou but hear I were licentious?
And that this body, consecrate to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate?
Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
And tear the stain’d skin off my harlot brow,
And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst; and therefore, see thou do it.
I am possess’d with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust;
For if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed,
I live distain’d, thou undishonoured.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEPlead you to me, fair dame? I know you not.
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk,
Who, every word by all my wit being scann’d,
Wants wit in all one word to understand.
LUCIANAFie, brother, how the world is chang’d with you.
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBy Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEBy me?
ADRIANABy thee; and this thou didst return from him,
That he did buffet thee, and in his blows
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEDid you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEVillain, thou liest, for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI never spake with her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEHow can she thus, then, call us by our names?
Unless it be by inspiration.
ADRIANAHow ill agrees it with your gravity
To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood;
Be it my wrong, you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine.
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate:
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss,
Who all, for want of pruning, with intrusion
Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSETo me she speaks; she moves me for her theme.
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty
I’ll entertain the offer’d fallacy.
LUCIANADromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEO, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
This is the fairy land; O spite of spites!
We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites;
If we obey them not, this will ensue:
They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANAWhy prat’st thou to thyself, and answer’st not?
Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI am transformed, master, am I not?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI think thou art in mind, and so am I.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThou hast thine own form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo, I am an ape.
LUCIANAIf thou art chang’d to aught, ’tis to an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE’Tis true; she rides me, and I long for grass.
’Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
ADRIANACome, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep
Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.
Come, sir, to dinner; Dromio, keep the gate.
Husband, I’ll dine above with you today,
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.
Come, sister; Dromio, play the porter well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAm I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking, mad, or well-advis’d?
Known unto these, and to myself disguis’d!
I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMaster, shall I be porter at the gate?
ADRIANAAy; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANACome, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
Exeunt.
Act III
Scene I
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo the
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGood Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all,
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I linger’d with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain that would face me down.
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charg’d him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSSay what you will, sir, but I know what I know.
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMarry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick’d; and being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou’re sad, Signior Balthasar; pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
BALTHASARI hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSO, Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHASARGood meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
BALTHASAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAy, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But soft; my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMaud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE[_Within._] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch:
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSWhat patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSELet him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWho talks within there? Ho, open the door.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSERight, sir, I’ll tell you when an you’ll tell me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENor today here you must not; come again when you may.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhat art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEThe porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSO villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name;
The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have chang’d thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.
Enter Luce concealed from Antipholus of Ephesus and his companions.
LUCE[_Within._] What a coil is there, Dromio, who are those at the gate?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSLet my master in, Luce.
LUCEFaith, no, he comes too late,
And so tell your master.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSO Lord, I must laugh;
Have at you with a proverb:—Shall I set in my staff?
LUCEHave at you with another: that’s—When? can you tell?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEIf thy name be called Luce,—Luce, thou hast answer’d him well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDo you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?
LUCEI thought to have ask’d you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEAnd you said no.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSSo, come, help. Well struck, there was blow for blow.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou baggage, let me in.
LUCECan you tell for whose sake?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMaster, knock the door hard.
LUCELet him knock till it ache.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
LUCEWhat needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Enter Adriana concealed from Antipholus of Ephesus and his companions.
ADRIANA[_Within._] Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEBy my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAre you there, wife? you might have come before.
ADRIANAYour wife, sir knave? go, get you from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSIf you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
ANGELOHere is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain have either.
BALTHASARIn debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSThey stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThere is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSYou would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold.
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGo, fetch me something, I’ll break ope the gate.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEBreak any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSA man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEIt seems thou want’st breaking; out upon thee, hind!
DROMIO OF EPHESUSHere’s too much “out upon thee”; I pray thee, let me in.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEAy, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWell, I’ll break in; go, borrow me a crow.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSA crow without feather; master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGo, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
BALTHASARHave patience, sir. O, let it not be so:
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,—your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be rul’d by me; depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening, come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it;
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever hous’d where it gets possession.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou have prevail’d. I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife (but, I protest, without desert)
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner.—Get you home
And fetch the chain, by this I know ’tis made.
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine,
For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow
(Be it for nothing but to spite my wife)
Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
ANGELOI’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDo so; this jest shall cost me some expense.
Exeunt.
Scene II
Enter Luciana with Antipholus of Syracuse.
LUCIANAAnd may it be that you have quite forgot
A husband’s office? Shall, Antipholus,
Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?
Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?
If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more kindness;
Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth,
Muffle your false love with some show of blindness.
Let not my sister read it in your eye;
Be not thy tongue thy own shame’s orator;
Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty;
Apparel vice like virtue’s harbinger;
Bear a fair presence though your heart be tainted;
Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint,
Be secret-false. What need she be acquainted?
What simple thief brags of his own attaint?
’Tis double wrong to truant with your bed
And let her read it in thy looks at board.
Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed;
Ill deeds is doubled with an evil word.
Alas, poor women, make us but believe,
Being compact of credit, that you love us.
Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve;
We in your motion turn, and you may move us.
Then, gentle brother, get you in again;
Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife.
’Tis holy sport to be a little vain
When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSESweet mistress, what your name is else, I know not,
Nor by what wonder you do hit on mine;
Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not
Than our earth’s wonder, more than earth divine.
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;
Lay open to my earthy gross conceit,
Smother’d in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,
The folded meaning of your words’ deceit.
Against my soul’s pure truth why labour you
To make it wander in an unknown field?
Are you a god? would you create me new?
Transform me, then, and to your power I’ll yield.
But if that I am I, then well I know
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage do I owe.
Far more, far more, to you do I decline.
O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note
To drown me in thy sister’s flood of tears.
Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote;
Spread o’er the silver waves thy golden hairs,
And as a bed I’ll take thee, and there lie,
And, in that glorious supposition think
He gains by death that hath such means to die.
Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink!
LUCIANAWhat, are you mad, that you do reason so?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENot mad, but mated; how, I do not know.
LUCIANAIt is a fault that springeth from your eye.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEFor gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.
LUCIANAGaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAs good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.
LUCIANAWhy call you me love? Call my sister so.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThy sister’s sister.
LUCIANAThat’s my sister.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENo,
It is thyself, mine own self’s better part,
Mine eye’s clear eye, my dear heart’s dearer heart,
My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope’s aim,
My sole earth’s heaven, and my heaven’s claim.
LUCIANAAll this my sister is, or else should be.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSECall thyself sister, sweet, for I aim thee;
Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life;
Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife.
Give me thy hand.
LUCIANAO, soft, sir, hold you still;
I’ll fetch my sister to get her goodwill.
Exit Luciana.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, how now, Dromio? where runn’st thou so fast?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEDo you know me, sir? Am I Dromio? Am I your man? Am I myself?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI am an ass, I am a woman’s man, and besides myself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat woman’s man? and how besides thyself?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman, one that claims me,
one that haunts me, one that will have me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat claim lays she to thee?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse, and she would
have me as a beast; not that I being a beast she would have me, but
that she being a very beastly creature lays claim to me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat is she?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEA very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of without
he say “sir-reverence”. I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is
she a wondrous fat marriage.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEHow dost thou mean a “fat marriage”?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, sir, she’s the kitchen wench, and all grease, and I know not
what use to put her to but to make a lamp of her and run from her by
her own light. I warrant her rags and the tallow in them will burn a
Poland winter. If she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer
than the whole world.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat complexion is she of?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSESwart like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept. For why?
she sweats, a man may go overshoes in the grime of it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThat’s a fault that water will mend.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo, sir, ’tis in grain; Noah’s flood could not do it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat’s her name?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that’s an ell and three
quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThen she bears some breadth?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo longer from head to foot than from hip to hip. She is spherical,
like a globe. I could find out countries in her.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEIn what part of her body stands Ireland?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, sir, in her buttocks; I found it out by the bogs.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere Scotland?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI found it by the barrenness, hard in the palm of the hand.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere France?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEIn her forehead; armed and reverted, making war against her hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere England?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them.
But I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between
France and it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere Spain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEFaith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere America, the Indies?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEO, sir, upon her nose, all o’er-embellished with rubies, carbuncles,
sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain, who
sent whole armadoes of carracks to be ballast at her nose.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhere stood Belgia, the Netherlands?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEO, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude: this drudge or diviner laid
claim to me, called me Dromio, swore I was assured to her, told me what
privy marks I had about me, as the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my
neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I, amazed, ran from her as a
witch. And, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith, and my
heart of steel, she had transformed me to a curtal dog, and made me
turn i’ the wheel.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEGo, hie thee presently, post to the road;
And if the wind blow any way from shore,
I will not harbour in this town tonight.
If any bark put forth, come to the mart,
Where I will walk till thou return to me.
If everyone knows us, and we know none,
’Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEAs from a bear a man would run for life,
So fly I from her that would be my wife.
Exit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThere’s none but witches do inhabit here,
And therefore ’tis high time that I were hence.
She that doth call me husband, even my soul
Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,
Possess’d with such a gentle sovereign grace,
Of such enchanting presence and discourse,
Hath almost made me traitor to myself.
But lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,
I’ll stop mine ears against the mermaid’s song.
Enter Angelo with the chain.
ANGELOMaster Antipholus.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAy, that’s my name.
ANGELOI know it well, sir. Lo, here is the chain;
I thought to have ta’en you at the Porpentine,
The chain unfinish’d made me stay thus long.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat is your will that I shall do with this?
ANGELOWhat please yourself, sir; I have made it for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEMade it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.
ANGELONot once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
Go home with it, and please your wife withal,
And soon at supper-time I’ll visit you,
And then receive my money for the chain.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI pray you, sir, receive the money now,
For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more.
ANGELOYou are a merry man, sir; fare you well.
Exit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat I should think of this I cannot tell,
But this I think, there’s no man is so vain
That would refuse so fair an offer’d chain.
I see a man here needs not live by shifts,
When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.
I’ll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay;
If any ship put out, then straight away.
Exit.
Act IV
Scene I
Enter Merchant, Angelo and an Officer.
MERCHANTYou know since Pentecost the sum is due,
And since I have not much importun’d you,
Nor now I had not, but that I am bound
To Persia, and want guilders for my voyage;
Therefore make present satisfaction,
Or I’ll attach you by this officer.
ANGELOEven just the sum that I do owe to you
Is growing to me by Antipholus,
And in the instant that I met with you
He had of me a chain; at five o’clock
I shall receive the money for the same.
Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,
I will discharge my bond, and thank you too.
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus from the
OFFICERThat labour may you save. See where he comes.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhile I go to the goldsmith’s house, go thou
And buy a rope’s end; that will I bestow
Among my wife and her confederates
For locking me out of my doors by day.
But soft, I see the goldsmith; get thee gone;
Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI buy a thousand pound a year! I buy a rope!
Exit Dromio.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSA man is well holp up that trusts to you,
I promised your presence and the chain,
But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me.
Belike you thought our love would last too long
If it were chain’d together, and therefore came not.
ANGELOSaving your merry humour, here’s the note
How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,
The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion,
Which doth amount to three odd ducats more
Than I stand debted to this gentleman.
I pray you, see him presently discharg’d,
For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI am not furnished with the present money;
Besides, I have some business in the town.
Good signior, take the stranger to my house,
And with you take the chain, and bid my wife
Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof;
Perchance I will be there as soon as you.
ANGELOThen you will bring the chain to her yourself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSNo, bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.
ANGELOWell, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd if I have not, sir, I hope you have,
Or else you may return without your money.
ANGELONay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain;
Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,
And I, to blame, have held him here too long.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSGood Lord, you use this dalliance to excuse
Your breach of promise to the Porpentine.
I should have chid you for not bringing it,
But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl.
MERCHANTThe hour steals on; I pray you, sir, dispatch.
ANGELOYou hear how he importunes me. The chain!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhy, give it to my wife, and fetch your money.
ANGELOCome, come, you know I gave it you even now.
Either send the chain or send by me some token.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSFie, now you run this humour out of breath.
Come, where’s the chain? I pray you, let me see it.
MERCHANTMy business cannot brook this dalliance.
Good sir, say whe’er you’ll answer me or no;
If not, I’ll leave him to the officer.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI answer you? What should I answer you?
ANGELOThe money that you owe me for the chain.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI owe you none till I receive the chain.
ANGELOYou know I gave it you half an hour since.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou gave me none. You wrong me much to say so.
ANGELOYou wrong me more, sir, in denying it.
Consider how it stands upon my credit.
MERCHANTWell, officer, arrest him at my suit.
OFFICERI do, and charge you in the duke’s name to obey me.
ANGELOThis touches me in reputation.
Either consent to pay this sum for me,
Or I attach you by this officer.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSConsent to pay thee that I never had?
Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar’st.
ANGELOHere is thy fee; arrest him, officer.
I would not spare my brother in this case
If he should scorn me so apparently.
OFFICERI do arrest you, sir. You hear the suit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI do obey thee till I give thee bail.
But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear
As all the metal in your shop will answer.
ANGELOSir, sir, I shall have law in Ephesus,
To your notorious shame, I doubt it not.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse from the bay.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMaster, there’s a bark of Epidamnum
That stays but till her owner comes aboard,
And then, sir, bears away. Our fraughtage, sir,
I have convey’d aboard, and I have bought
The oil, the balsamum, and aqua-vitae.
The ship is in her trim; the merry wind
Blows fair from land; they stay for nought at all
But for their owner, master, and yourself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSHow now? a madman? Why, thou peevish sheep,
What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEA ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope,
And told thee to what purpose and what end.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEYou sent me for a rope’s end as soon.
You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI will debate this matter at more leisure,
And teach your ears to list me with more heed.
To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight:
Give her this key, and tell her in the desk
That’s cover’d o’er with Turkish tapestry
There is a purse of ducats; let her send it.
Tell her I am arrested in the street,
And that shall bail me. Hie thee, slave; be gone.
On, officer, to prison till it come.
Exeunt Merchant, Angelo, Officer and Antipholus of Ephesus.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSETo Adriana, that is where we din’d,
Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband.
She is too big, I hope, for me to compass.
Thither I must, although against my will,
For servants must their masters’ minds fulfil.
Exit.
Scene II
Enter Adriana and Luciana.
ADRIANAAh, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?
Might’st thou perceive austerely in his eye
That he did plead in earnest, yea or no?
Look’d he or red or pale, or sad or merrily?
What observation mad’st thou in this case
Of his heart’s meteors tilting in his face?
LUCIANAFirst he denied you had in him no right.
ADRIANAHe meant he did me none; the more my spite.
LUCIANAThen swore he that he was a stranger here.
ADRIANAAnd true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.
LUCIANAThen pleaded I for you.
ADRIANAAnd what said he?
LUCIANAThat love I begg’d for you he begg’d of me.
ADRIANAWith what persuasion did he tempt thy love?
LUCIANAWith words that in an honest suit might move.
First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.
ADRIANADid’st speak him fair?
LUCIANAHave patience, I beseech.
ADRIANAI cannot, nor I will not hold me still.
My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will.
He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
LUCIANAWho would be jealous then of such a one?
No evil lost is wail’d when it is gone.
ADRIANAAh, but I think him better than I say,
And yet would herein others’ eyes were worse:
Far from her nest the lapwing cries away;
My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEHere, go; the desk, the purse, sweet now, make haste.
LUCIANAHow hast thou lost thy breath?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEBy running fast.
ADRIANAWhere is thy master, Dromio? is he well?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo, he’s in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.
A devil in an everlasting garment hath him,
One whose hard heart is button’d up with steel;
A fiend, a fairy, pitiless and rough;
A wolf, nay worse, a fellow all in buff;
A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one that countermands
The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow lands;
A hound that runs counter, and yet draws dryfoot well,
One that, before the judgement, carries poor souls to hell.
ADRIANAWhy, man, what is the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI do not know the matter. He is ’rested on the case.
ADRIANAWhat, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI know not at whose suit he is arrested, well;
But he’s in a suit of buff which ’rested him, that can I tell.
Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the money in his desk?
ADRIANAGo fetch it, sister. This I wonder at,
Exit Luciana.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENot on a band, but on a stronger thing;
A chain, a chain. Do you not hear it ring?
ADRIANAWhat, the chain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo, no, the bell, ’tis time that I were gone.
It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.
ADRIANAThe hours come back! That did I never hear.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEO yes, if any hour meet a sergeant, ’a turns back for very fear.
ADRIANAAs if time were in debt. How fondly dost thou reason!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSETime is a very bankrupt, and owes more than he’s worth to season.
Nay, he’s a thief too. Have you not heard men say
That time comes stealing on by night and day?
If he be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,
Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?
Enter Luciana.
ADRIANAGo, Dromio, there’s the money, bear it straight,
And bring thy master home immediately.
Come, sister, I am press’d down with conceit;
Conceit, my comfort and my injury.
Exeunt.
Scene III
Enter Antipholus of Syracuse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThere’s not a man I meet but doth salute me
As if I were their well-acquainted friend,
And everyone doth call me by my name.
Some tender money to me, some invite me;
Some other give me thanks for kindnesses;
Some offer me commodities to buy.
Even now a tailor call’d me in his shop,
And show’d me silks that he had bought for me,
And therewithal took measure of my body.
Sure, these are but imaginary wiles,
And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMaster, here’s the gold you sent me for.
What, have you got the picture of old Adam new apparelled?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat gold is this? What Adam dost thou mean?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENot that Adam that kept the paradise, but that Adam that keeps the
prison; he that goes in the calf’s skin that was killed for the
Prodigal; he that came behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you
forsake your liberty.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI understand thee not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENo? Why, ’tis a plain case: he that went like a bass-viol in a case of
leather; the man, sir, that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a
sob, and ’rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men and gives
them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more exploits
with his mace than a morris-pike.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhat! thou mean’st an officer?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEAy, sir, the sergeant of the band; he that brings any man to answer it
that breaks his band; one that thinks a man always going to bed, and
says, “God give you good rest.”
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWell, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any ship puts forth
tonight? may we be gone?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEWhy, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the bark _Expedition_
put forth tonight, and then were you hindered by the sergeant to tarry
for the hoy _Delay_. Here are the angels that you sent for to deliver
you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThe fellow is distract, and so am I,
And here we wander in illusions.
Some blessed power deliver us from hence!
Enter a Courtesan.
COURTESANWell met, well met, Master Antipholus.
I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now.
Is that the chain you promis’d me today?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSESatan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMaster, is this Mistress Satan?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEIt is the devil.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENay, she is worse, she is the devil’s dam; and here she comes in the
habit of a light wench, and thereof comes that the wenches say “God
damn me”, that’s as much to say, “God make me a light wench.” It is
written they appear to men like angels of light. Light is an effect of
fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near
her.
COURTESANYour man and you are marvellous merry, sir.
Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMaster, if you do, expect spoon-meat, or bespeak a long spoon.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWhy, Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMarry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAvoid then, fiend! What tell’st thou me of supping?
Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress.
I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.
COURTESANGive me the ring of mine you had at dinner,
Or, for my diamond, the chain you promis’d,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSESome devils ask but the paring of one’s nail,
A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,
A nut, a cherry-stone; but she, more covetous,
Would have a chain.
Master, be wise; and if you give it her,
The devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.
COURTESANI pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain;
I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAvaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEFly pride, says the peacock. Mistress, that you know.
Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse.
COURTESANNow, out of doubt Antipholus is mad,
Else would he never so demean himself.
A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,
And for the same he promis’d me a chain;
Both one and other he denies me now.
The reason that I gather he is mad,
Besides this present instance of his rage,
Is a mad tale he told today at dinner
Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.
Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,
On purpose shut the doors against his way.
My way is now to hie home to his house,
And tell his wife that, being lunatic,
He rush’d into my house and took perforce
My ring away. This course I fittest choose,
For forty ducats is too much to lose.
Exit.
Scene IV
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus with an Officer.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSFear me not, man, I will not break away:
I’ll give thee ere I leave thee so much money,
To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for.
My wife is in a wayward mood today,
And will not lightly trust the messenger
That I should be attach’d in Ephesus;
I tell you ’twill sound harshly in her ears.
Enter Dromio of Ephesus with a rope’s end.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSHere’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSBut where’s the money?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSWhy, sir, I gave the money for the rope.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSFive hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSTo what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSTo a rope’s end, sir; and to that end am I return’d.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd to that end, sir, I will welcome you.
OFFICERGood sir, be patient.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNay, ’tis for me to be patient. I am in adversity.
OFFICERGood now, hold thy tongue.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou whoreson, senseless villain.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI am an ass indeed; you may prove it by my long ears. I have served him
from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his
hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with
beating; when I am warm he cools me with beating. I am waked with it
when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors with it
when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I return. Nay, I bear
it on my shoulders as a beggar wont her brat; and I think when he hath
lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.
Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan and a Schoolmaster called Pinch.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSCome, go along, my wife is coming yonder.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMistress, _respice finem_, respect your end, or rather, the prophesy
like the parrot, “Beware the rope’s end.”
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWilt thou still talk?
COURTESANHow say you now? Is not your husband mad?
ADRIANAHis incivility confirms no less.
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.
LUCIANAAlas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
COURTESANMark how he trembles in his ecstasy.
PINCHGive me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThere is my hand, and let it feel your ear.
PINCHI charge thee, Satan, hous’d within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers,
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight.
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSPeace, doting wizard, peace; I am not mad.
ADRIANAO, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house today,
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,
And I denied to enter in my house?
ADRIANAO husband, God doth know you din’d at home,
Where would you had remain’d until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDin’d at home? Thou villain, what sayest thou?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSSir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWere not my doors lock’d up and I shut out?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSPerdy, your doors were lock’d, and you shut out.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd did not she herself revile me there?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSSans fable, she herself revil’d you there.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDid not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSCertes, she did, the kitchen-vestal scorn’d you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd did not I in rage depart from thence?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSIn verity, you did; my bones bear witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
ADRIANAIs’t good to soothe him in these contraries?
PINCHIt is no shame; the fellow finds his vein,
And yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou hast suborn’d the goldsmith to arrest me.
ADRIANAAlas! I sent you money to redeem you
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMoney by me? Heart and goodwill you might,
But surely, master, not a rag of money.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWent’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?
ADRIANAHe came to me, and I deliver’d it.
LUCIANAAnd I am witness with her that she did.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSGod and the rope-maker bear me witness
That I was sent for nothing but a rope.
PINCHMistress, both man and master is possess’d,
I know it by their pale and deadly looks.
They must be bound and laid in some dark room.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSSay, wherefore didst thou lock me forth today,
And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?
ADRIANAI did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSAnd gentle master, I receiv’d no gold;
But I confess, sir, that we were lock’d out.
ADRIANADissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDissembling harlot, thou art false in all,
And art confederate with a damned pack
To make a loathsome abject scorn of me.
But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes
That would behold in me this shameful sport.
Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives.
ADRIANAO, bind him, bind him; let him not come near me.
PINCHMore company; the fiend is strong within him.
LUCIANAAy me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhat, will you murder me? Thou jailer, thou,
I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them
To make a rescue?
OFFICERMasters, let him go.
He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.
PINCHGo, bind this man, for he is frantic too.
ADRIANAWhat wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
Do outrage and displeasure to himself?
OFFICERHe is my prisoner. If I let him go,
The debt he owes will be requir’d of me.
ADRIANAI will discharge thee ere I go from thee;
Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
And knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.
Good master doctor, see him safe convey’d
Home to my house. O most unhappy day!
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSO most unhappy strumpet!
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMaster, I am here enter’d in bond for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSOut on thee, villain! wherefore dost thou mad me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSWill you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good master; cry, “the devil”.
LUCIANAGod help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!
ADRIANAGo bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.
Exeunt Pinch and Assistants, with Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio
OFFICEROne Angelo, a goldsmith; do you know him?
ADRIANAI know the man. What is the sum he owes?
OFFICERTwo hundred ducats.
ADRIANASay, how grows it due?
OFFICERDue for a chain your husband had of him.
ADRIANAHe did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.
COURTESANWhen as your husband, all in rage, today
Came to my house and took away my ring,
The ring I saw upon his finger now,
Straight after did I meet him with a chain.
ADRIANAIt may be so, but I did never see it.
Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is,
I long to know the truth hereof at large.
Enter Antipholus of Syracuse with his rapier drawn, and Dromio of
LUCIANAGod, for thy mercy, they are loose again!
ADRIANAAnd come with naked swords. Let’s call more help
To have them bound again.
OFFICERAway, they’ll kill us.
Exeunt, as fast as may be, frighted.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI see these witches are afraid of swords.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEShe that would be your wife now ran from you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSECome to the Centaur, fetch our stuff from thence.
I long that we were safe and sound aboard.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEFaith, stay here this night, they will surely do us no harm; you saw
they speak us fair, give us gold. Methinks they are such a gentle
nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of
me, I could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI will not stay tonight for all the town;
Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.
Exeunt.
Act V
Scene I
Enter Merchant and Angelo.
ANGELOI am sorry, sir, that I have hinder’d you,
But I protest he had the chain of me,
Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.
MERCHANTHow is the man esteem’d here in the city?
ANGELOOf very reverend reputation, sir,
Of credit infinite, highly belov’d,
Second to none that lives here in the city.
His word might bear my wealth at any time.
MERCHANTSpeak softly. Yonder, as I think, he walks.
Enter Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse.
ANGELO’Tis so; and that self chain about his neck
Which he forswore most monstrously to have.
Good sir, draw near to me, I’ll speak to him.
Signior Antipholus, I wonder much
That you would put me to this shame and trouble,
And not without some scandal to yourself,
With circumstance and oaths so to deny
This chain, which now you wear so openly.
Beside the charge, the shame, imprisonment,
You have done wrong to this my honest friend,
Who, but for staying on our controversy,
Had hoisted sail and put to sea today.
This chain you had of me, can you deny it?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI think I had: I never did deny it.
MERCHANTYes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEWho heard me to deny it or forswear it?
MERCHANTThese ears of mine, thou know’st, did hear thee.
Fie on thee, wretch. ’Tis pity that thou liv’st
To walk where any honest men resort.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThou art a villain to impeach me thus;
I’ll prove mine honour and mine honesty
Against thee presently, if thou dar’st stand.
MERCHANTI dare, and do defy thee for a villain.
Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan and others.
ADRIANAHold, hurt him not, for God’s sake, he is mad.
Some get within him, take his sword away.
Bind Dromio too, and bear them to my house.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSERun, master, run, for God’s sake, take a house.
This is some priory; in, or we are spoil’d.
Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse to the
Enter Lady Abbess.
ABBESSBe quiet, people. Wherefore throng you hither?
ADRIANATo fetch my poor distracted husband hence.
Let us come in, that we may bind him fast
And bear him home for his recovery.
ANGELOI knew he was not in his perfect wits.
MERCHANTI am sorry now that I did draw on him.
ABBESSHow long hath this possession held the man?
ADRIANAThis week he hath been heavy, sour, sad,
And much different from the man he was.
But till this afternoon his passion
Ne’er brake into extremity of rage.
ABBESSHath he not lost much wealth by wreck of sea?
Buried some dear friend? Hath not else his eye
Stray’d his affection in unlawful love?
A sin prevailing much in youthful men
Who give their eyes the liberty of gazing?
Which of these sorrows is he subject to?
ADRIANATo none of these, except it be the last,
Namely, some love that drew him oft from home.
ABBESSYou should for that have reprehended him.
ADRIANAWhy, so I did.
ABBESSAy, but not rough enough.
ADRIANAAs roughly as my modesty would let me.
ABBESSHaply in private.
ADRIANAAnd in assemblies too.
ABBESSAy, but not enough.
ADRIANAIt was the copy of our conference.
In bed he slept not for my urging it;
At board he fed not for my urging it;
Alone, it was the subject of my theme;
In company I often glanced it;
Still did I tell him it was vile and bad.
ABBESSAnd thereof came it that the man was mad.
The venom clamours of a jealous woman
Poisons more deadly than a mad dog’s tooth.
It seems his sleeps were hindered by thy railing,
And thereof comes it that his head is light.
Thou say’st his meat was sauc’d with thy upbraidings.
Unquiet meals make ill digestions;
Thereof the raging fire of fever bred,
And what’s a fever but a fit of madness?
Thou say’st his sports were hinder’d by thy brawls.
Sweet recreation barr’d, what doth ensue
But moody and dull melancholy,
Kinsman to grim and comfortless despair,
And at her heels a huge infectious troop
Of pale distemperatures and foes to life?
In food, in sport, and life-preserving rest
To be disturb’d would mad or man or beast.
The consequence is, then, thy jealous fits
Hath scar’d thy husband from the use of’s wits.
LUCIANAShe never reprehended him but mildly,
When he demean’d himself rough, rude, and wildly.
Why bear you these rebukes and answer not?
ADRIANAShe did betray me to my own reproof.
Good people, enter and lay hold on him.
ABBESSNo, not a creature enters in my house.
ADRIANAThen let your servants bring my husband forth.
ABBESSNeither. He took this place for sanctuary,
And it shall privilege him from your hands
Till I have brought him to his wits again,
Or lose my labour in assaying it.
ADRIANAI will attend my husband, be his nurse,
Diet his sickness, for it is my office,
And will have no attorney but myself;
And therefore let me have him home with me.
ABBESSBe patient, for I will not let him stir
Till I have used the approved means I have,
With wholesome syrups, drugs, and holy prayers,
To make of him a formal man again.
It is a branch and parcel of mine oath,
A charitable duty of my order;
Therefore depart, and leave him here with me.
ADRIANAI will not hence and leave my husband here;
And ill it doth beseem your holiness
To separate the husband and the wife.
ABBESSBe quiet and depart. Thou shalt not have him.
Exit Abbess.
LUCIANAComplain unto the duke of this indignity.
ADRIANACome, go. I will fall prostrate at his feet,
And never rise until my tears and prayers
Have won his grace to come in person hither
And take perforce my husband from the abbess.
MERCHANTBy this, I think, the dial points at five.
Anon, I’m sure, the Duke himself in person
Comes this way to the melancholy vale,
The place of death and sorry execution
Behind the ditches of the abbey here.
ANGELOUpon what cause?
MERCHANTTo see a reverend Syracusian merchant,
Who put unluckily into this bay
Against the laws and statutes of this town,
Beheaded publicly for his offence.
ANGELOSee where they come. We will behold his death.
LUCIANAKneel to the Duke before he pass the abbey.
Enter the Duke, attended; Egeon, bareheaded; with the Headsman and
DUKEYet once again proclaim it publicly,
If any friend will pay the sum for him,
He shall not die; so much we tender him.
ADRIANAJustice, most sacred duke, against the abbess!
DUKEShe is a virtuous and a reverend lady,
It cannot be that she hath done thee wrong.
ADRIANAMay it please your grace, Antipholus, my husband,
Who I made lord of me and all I had
At your important letters, this ill day
A most outrageous fit of madness took him;
That desp’rately he hurried through the street,
With him his bondman all as mad as he,
Doing displeasure to the citizens
By rushing in their houses, bearing thence
Rings, jewels, anything his rage did like.
Once did I get him bound and sent him home,
Whilst to take order for the wrongs I went,
That here and there his fury had committed.
Anon, I wot not by what strong escape,
He broke from those that had the guard of him,
And with his mad attendant and himself,
Each one with ireful passion, with drawn swords,
Met us again, and, madly bent on us,
Chased us away; till raising of more aid,
We came again to bind them. Then they fled
Into this abbey, whither we pursued them.
And here the abbess shuts the gates on us,
And will not suffer us to fetch him out,
Nor send him forth that we may bear him hence.
Therefore, most gracious duke, with thy command
Let him be brought forth and borne hence for help.
DUKELong since thy husband serv’d me in my wars,
And I to thee engag’d a prince’s word,
When thou didst make him master of thy bed,
To do him all the grace and good I could.
Go, some of you, knock at the abbey gate,
And bid the lady abbess come to me.
I will determine this before I stir.
Enter a Messenger.
MESSENGERO mistress, mistress, shift and save yourself.
My master and his man are both broke loose,
Beaten the maids a-row, and bound the doctor,
Whose beard they have singed off with brands of fire,
And ever as it blazed they threw on him
Great pails of puddled mire to quench the hair.
My master preaches patience to him, and the while
His man with scissors nicks him like a fool;
And sure (unless you send some present help)
Between them they will kill the conjurer.
ADRIANAPeace, fool, thy master and his man are here,
And that is false thou dost report to us.
MESSENGERMistress, upon my life, I tell you true.
I have not breath’d almost since I did see it.
He cries for you, and vows, if he can take you,
To scorch your face and to disfigure you.
Hark, hark, I hear him, mistress. Fly, be gone!
DUKECome, stand by me, fear nothing. Guard with halberds.
ADRIANAAy me, it is my husband. Witness you
That he is borne about invisible.
Even now we hous’d him in the abbey here,
And now he’s there, past thought of human reason.
Enter Antipholus and Dromio of Ephesus.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSJustice, most gracious duke; O, grant me justice!
Even for the service that long since I did thee
When I bestrid thee in the wars, and took
Deep scars to save thy life; even for the blood
That then I lost for thee, now grant me justice.
EGEONUnless the fear of death doth make me dote,
I see my son Antipholus and Dromio.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSJustice, sweet prince, against that woman there.
She whom thou gav’st to me to be my wife;
That hath abused and dishonour’d me
Even in the strength and height of injury.
Beyond imagination is the wrong
That she this day hath shameless thrown on me.
DUKEDiscover how, and thou shalt find me just.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThis day, great duke, she shut the doors upon me
While she with harlots feasted in my house.
DUKEA grievous fault. Say, woman, didst thou so?
ADRIANANo, my good lord. Myself, he, and my sister
Today did dine together. So befall my soul
As this is false he burdens me withal.
LUCIANANe’er may I look on day nor sleep on night
But she tells to your highness simple truth.
ANGELOO perjur’d woman! They are both forsworn.
In this the madman justly chargeth them.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSMy liege, I am advised what I say,
Neither disturb’d with the effect of wine,
Nor heady-rash, provok’d with raging ire,
Albeit my wrongs might make one wiser mad.
This woman lock’d me out this day from dinner.
That goldsmith there, were he not pack’d with her,
Could witness it, for he was with me then,
Who parted with me to go fetch a chain,
Promising to bring it to the Porpentine,
Where Balthasar and I did dine together.
Our dinner done, and he not coming thither,
I went to seek him. In the street I met him,
And in his company that gentleman.
There did this perjur’d goldsmith swear me down
That I this day of him receiv’d the chain,
Which, God he knows, I saw not. For the which
He did arrest me with an officer.
I did obey, and sent my peasant home
For certain ducats. He with none return’d.
Then fairly I bespoke the officer
To go in person with me to my house.
By th’ way we met
My wife, her sister, and a rabble more
Of vile confederates. Along with them
They brought one Pinch, a hungry lean-faced villain,
A mere anatomy, a mountebank,
A threadbare juggler, and a fortune-teller;
A needy, hollow-ey’d, sharp-looking wretch;
A living dead man. This pernicious slave,
Forsooth, took on him as a conjurer,
And gazing in mine eyes, feeling my pulse,
And with no face (as ’twere) outfacing me,
Cries out, I was possess’d. Then altogether
They fell upon me, bound me, bore me thence,
And in a dark and dankish vault at home
There left me and my man, both bound together,
Till gnawing with my teeth my bonds in sunder,
I gain’d my freedom and immediately
Ran hither to your Grace, whom I beseech
To give me ample satisfaction
For these deep shames and great indignities.
ANGELOMy lord, in truth, thus far I witness with him,
That he din’d not at home, but was lock’d out.
DUKEBut had he such a chain of thee, or no?
ANGELOHe had, my lord, and when he ran in here
These people saw the chain about his neck.
MERCHANTBesides, I will be sworn these ears of mine
Heard you confess you had the chain of him,
After you first forswore it on the mart,
And thereupon I drew my sword on you;
And then you fled into this abbey here,
From whence I think you are come by miracle.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI never came within these abbey walls,
Nor ever didst thou draw thy sword on me.
I never saw the chain, so help me heaven;
And this is false you burden me withal.
DUKEWhy, what an intricate impeach is this!
I think you all have drunk of Circe’s cup.
If here you hous’d him, here he would have been.
If he were mad, he would not plead so coldly.
You say he din’d at home, the goldsmith here
Denies that saying. Sirrah, what say you?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSSir, he dined with her there, at the Porpentine.
COURTESANHe did, and from my finger snatch’d that ring.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS’Tis true, my liege, this ring I had of her.
DUKESaw’st thou him enter at the abbey here?
COURTESANAs sure, my liege, as I do see your grace.
DUKEWhy, this is strange. Go call the abbess hither.
I think you are all mated, or stark mad.
Exit one to the Abbess.
EGEONMost mighty Duke, vouchsafe me speak a word;
Haply I see a friend will save my life
And pay the sum that may deliver me.
DUKESpeak freely, Syracusian, what thou wilt.
EGEONIs not your name, sir, call’d Antipholus?
And is not that your bondman Dromio?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSWithin this hour I was his bondman, sir,
But he, I thank him, gnaw’d in two my cords.
Now am I Dromio, and his man, unbound.
EGEONI am sure you both of you remember me.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSOurselves we do remember, sir, by you.
For lately we were bound as you are now.
You are not Pinch’s patient, are you, sir?
EGEONWhy look you strange on me? you know me well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI never saw you in my life till now.
EGEONO! grief hath chang’d me since you saw me last,
And careful hours with time’s deformed hand,
Have written strange defeatures in my face.
But tell me yet, dost thou not know my voice?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSNeither.
EGEONDromio, nor thou?
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNo, trust me, sir, nor I.
EGEONI am sure thou dost.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSAy, sir, but I am sure I do not, and whatsoever a man denies, you are
now bound to believe him.
EGEONNot know my voice! O time’s extremity,
Hast thou so crack’d and splitted my poor tongue
In seven short years that here my only son
Knows not my feeble key of untun’d cares?
Though now this grained face of mine be hid
In sap-consuming winter’s drizzled snow,
And all the conduits of my blood froze up,
Yet hath my night of life some memory,
My wasting lamps some fading glimmer left,
My dull deaf ears a little use to hear.
All these old witnesses, I cannot err,
Tell me thou art my son Antipholus.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI never saw my father in my life.
EGEONBut seven years since, in Syracusa, boy,
Thou know’st we parted; but perhaps, my son,
Thou sham’st to acknowledge me in misery.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThe duke and all that know me in the city,
Can witness with me that it is not so.
I ne’er saw Syracusa in my life.
DUKEI tell thee, Syracusian, twenty years
Have I been patron to Antipholus,
During which time he ne’er saw Syracusa.
I see thy age and dangers make thee dote.
Enter the Abbess with Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse.
ABBESSMost mighty duke, behold a man much wrong’d.
ADRIANAI see two husbands, or mine eyes deceive me.
DUKEOne of these men is _genius_ to the other;
And so of these, which is the natural man,
And which the spirit? Who deciphers them?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEI, sir, am Dromio, command him away.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSI, sir, am Dromio, pray let me stay.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEEgeon, art thou not? or else his ghost?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEO, my old master, who hath bound him here?
ABBESSWhoever bound him, I will loose his bonds,
And gain a husband by his liberty.
Speak, old Egeon, if thou be’st the man
That hadst a wife once called Emilia,
That bore thee at a burden two fair sons.
O, if thou be’st the same Egeon, speak,
And speak unto the same Emilia!
DUKEWhy, here begins his morning story right:
These two Antipholus’, these two so like,
And these two Dromios, one in semblance,
Besides her urging of her wreck at sea.
These are the parents to these children,
Which accidentally are met together.
EGEONIf I dream not, thou art Emilia.
If thou art she, tell me where is that son
That floated with thee on the fatal raft?
ABBESSBy men of Epidamnum, he and I
And the twin Dromio, all were taken up;
But, by and by, rude fishermen of Corinth
By force took Dromio and my son from them,
And me they left with those of Epidamnum.
What then became of them I cannot tell;
I to this fortune that you see me in.
DUKEAntipholus, thou cam’st from Corinth first?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSENo, sir, not I, I came from Syracuse.
DUKEStay, stand apart, I know not which is which.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI came from Corinth, my most gracious lord.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSAnd I with him.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSBrought to this town by that most famous warrior,
Duke Menaphon, your most renowned uncle.
ADRIANAWhich of you two did dine with me today?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI, gentle mistress.
ADRIANAAnd are not you my husband?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSNo, I say nay to that.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAnd so do I, yet did she call me so;
And this fair gentlewoman, her sister here,
Did call me brother. What I told you then,
I hope I shall have leisure to make good,
If this be not a dream I see and hear.
ANGELOThat is the chain, sir, which you had of me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEI think it be, sir. I deny it not.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd you, sir, for this chain arrested me.
ANGELOI think I did, sir. I deny it not.
ADRIANAI sent you money, sir, to be your bail
By Dromio, but I think he brought it not.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNo, none by me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThis purse of ducats I receiv’d from you,
And Dromio my man did bring them me.
I see we still did meet each other’s man,
And I was ta’en for him, and he for me,
And thereupon these errors are arose.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThese ducats pawn I for my father here.
DUKEIt shall not need, thy father hath his life.
COURTESANSir, I must have that diamond from you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThere, take it, and much thanks for my good cheer.
ABBESSRenowned duke, vouchsafe to take the pains
To go with us into the abbey here,
And hear at large discoursed all our fortunes;
And all that are assembled in this place,
That by this sympathised one day’s error
Have suffer’d wrong, go, keep us company,
And we shall make full satisfaction.
Thirty-three years have I but gone in travail
Of you, my sons, and till this present hour
My heavy burden ne’er delivered.
The duke, my husband, and my children both,
And you, the calendars of their nativity,
Go to a gossips’ feast, and go with me.
After so long grief, such nativity.
DUKEWith all my heart, I’ll gossip at this feast.
Exeunt except the two Dromios and two Brothers.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEMaster, shall I fetch your stuff from shipboard?
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDromio, what stuff of mine hast thou embark’d?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEYour goods that lay at host, sir, in the Centaur.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEHe speaks to me; I am your master, Dromio.
Come, go with us. We’ll look to that anon.
Embrace thy brother there, rejoice with him.
Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Antipholus of Ephesus.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEThere is a fat friend at your master’s house,
That kitchen’d me for you today at dinner.
She now shall be my sister, not my wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSMethinks you are my glass, and not my brother.
I see by you I am a sweet-faced youth.
Will you walk in to see their gossiping?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSENot I, sir, you are my elder.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSThat’s a question, how shall we try it?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSEWe’ll draw cuts for the senior. Till then, lead thou first.
DROMIO OF EPHESUSNay, then, thus:
We came into the world like brother and brother,
And now let’s go hand in hand, not one before another.
Exeunt.